Most of you who REALLY know me, know that August 2008 through around Summer of 2009 was probably the most difficult time of my entire life and Im almost positive Chad would agree that it was in his also. I, personally questioned my ability to go on almost everyday during that time and constantly prayed and searched many ways for comfort....scriptures, music, friends and of course family. Along the way I lost friends...or i guess they would be called "so called friends" since in hard times they seemed to vanish. And yet I found that some friends and family only wanted to be there for me because they fed off of my struggles and in a sick way it gave them a sense of satisfaction to see me, the one that usually has it all together, facing hard times. And of course when my life begins to move in the direction of being the happy upbeat me that I normally am, guess what?????.....they dont want to have anthing to do with me again. In light of starting out with all that, I believed whole heartedly during that time I was being prepared for trials to come in my future. I can still hear my mother's words she told me daily....."Amy, God never gives you more than you can handle". Looking back now I can see clearly that Chad and I were definitely being prepared for what we have been going through the past 5 weeks.
The past 5 weeks have been nothing short of an emotional rollercoaster for Chad and I both. At first I had no clue what all we were about to experience. The scariest things from Chad losing partial vision to him not even being able to have the balance to walk and sometimes even sit up. And when he did, he was so sick and nautious that he couldnt stand to even turn his head. For most of the first couple weeks he slept near 21 hours a day. Each Dr's visit has been full of speculation and test after test which often made Chad feel even worse.
The love and concern our church family has shown our little family has been amazing. Just their visits, calls and texts and occasional cards in the mail absolutely mean the world to us since weve been stuck in this house other than the occasional outing to a Dr.'s office or hospital for tests. These simple things mean so much because they come from the people we would have least expected. Once again we find ourselves learning the value of our relationships with have certain family members and friends. Many friends who we wouldve expected to atleast show some kind of concern have not and even some immediate family members have neglected to even acknowledge there is anything going on. Out of common courtesy I have been tryng my best to update all our family and friends either by text, email or facebook. It is extremely hurtful when the people who you feel close enough to, to text , never acknowledge they even received a text from you and these same people are the ones that in a crisis you would think they would be there for you no matter what to offer AT THE LEAST their words of comfort.....but you get nothing.
A part of me feels selfish for even expecting anything at all (a text, a call, a visit or just some form of concern) from someone when we are going through a hard time. But then again...... if you cant count on your family and friends, who can you count on??? So, there is where you find my dilemma.
Since Chad is sleeping so much lately I decided to start reading. I just finished an awesome book called THE SHACK. I have learned so much from this book and a small part of it even addresses (from God's point of view) my very struggle with the expectations you tend to have of your family and friends. I must say though, it is an extremely hard concept to grasp because as humans we tend to be.....well.....humans, and humans do have expectations and feelings that we have a hard time controlling.
Ive taken a few parts of this book to share with you:
It talks about how in a sense God gave us The Ten Commandments not to MAKE us follow his rules but more as mirror to reveal how filthy our face gets when we try to live indenpendtly without Him in our lives. Also, how there are those who think they are made righteous by following those rules, but... can you clean your face with the same mirror that shows you how dirty you are? There is no mercy or grace in rules, not even for one mistake. Thats why Jesus fullfilled all of that for us-so that it no longer has jurisdiction over you. And the law that once contained impossible demands- "Thou shall not..."- actually becomes a promise that God/Jesus fulfills in you. Without Jesus we alone live our life independently and the promise is empty. Jesus laid the demand of the law to rest; it no longer has any power to accuse or command. Jesus is both the promise and it's fulfillment.
So you ask..Does that mean i dont have to follow the rules? In Jesus, we are not under any law, all things are lawful. Those who are afraid of freedom are those who cannot trust us to live in them. Trying to keep the Law is actually a declaration of independence, a way of keeping control.
As humans the Law tends to give us a sense of control and seems to give us the power to judge others and feel superior to them. You believe that you are living to a higher standard than those you judge. Enforcing rules, especially in more subtle expressions like RESPONSIBILITY and EXPECTATION, is a vain attempt to create certainty out of uncertainty.
We should learn to be more attuned to verbs than nouns. Humans have the tendency to take a verb that is alive and full of grace and turn it into a dead noun or principle that reeks of rules-then something that is growing and alive dies.
Now, getting more to the point.....our words RESPONSIBILTY and EXPECTATION before these words became nouns, they were first nouns with movement and experience buried inside them: the ability to RESPOND and EXPECT, which are full of life and possibility. Unlike RESPONSIBILITY and EXPECTATION which are both are full of law, fear and judgement..........
Using the example of FRIENDSHIP and how removing the element of life from a noun can drastically alter a relationship. For example if you and I are friends, there is an EXPECTANCY that exists within our relationship. When we see each other or are apart, there is an EXPECTANCY of being together, of laughing and talking. That EXPECTANCY has no concrete definition; being together is a unique gift shared by no one else. But, what happens when that EXPECTANCY changes to an EXPECTATION -either spoken or even unspoken? Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship. You are expected to perform in a way that meets my "EXPECTATIONS". Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It's no longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, or the responsibilities of a good friend.
Obviously we would all much rather live in expectancy so everything is a gift or blessing. But we are humans so this is very hard for us to accomplish. Im am starting to really see that this is definitely a lesson God has intended for me to learn through this struggle that we are facing now. Even though it is hurtful when the ones who mean the most to me fail to meet my expectations, I will overcome that with God's help and stop having those expectations of them and learn to be blessed by the ones who choose to bless my life by being apart of it. ~Amy
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